Monday, February 11, 2013

My baby's hands make me cry (and other findings)

I don't have any good shots of her hands yet, but this is close.
My sleepy baby and her little lady hands.
One of the first things I noticed about Scarlett was her hands. This is going to sound very strange, but she has my hands. I don't really see much of me in her face. I see my husband's nose (round, bouncy ball perfection), I see my family, maaaaybe my eyes, just not necessarily me. But her hands--now those are all me. Long, skinny fingers, super long nail beds, those look familiar. In every ultrasound I have, in any shot of her face, her hands are right there all cozy next to her chubby cheeks. The same place they are when she eats now. They're either folded in a little praying position, balled up in fists by her ears or folded like a little lady across her chest. Or, my personal favorite, her thinking finger. She must've done this a lot on the inside because at least five times a day, she puts her little pointer finger right next to her mouth like she's pondering the deep questions of baby world. I die.
So last night after she was good and milk drunk, giving me some goofy smiles, her hands were in little lady position. Aaaaand hormones took over from there. I friggin lost it. She's just so...perfect. So I cried. Eric tried to figure it out, but I could hardly put together an intelligible sentence. As he stood there looking a bit confused, I finally managed to get out, "Damn hormones." He laughed and got me to move from the rocking chair to the couch so we could split a beer and snuggle our little baby and her monster hands. We set aside our laptop and phones and curled up to "watch" Ice Age (duh) and point out all of our little girl's perfection. It was exactly what I needed.
At that point I had already had a few "who am I now?" moments. At 3am the night before I was thinking about the girl I used to be. Me in all my former sunroof open, spontaneous trips to LA just for tacos, suntanned, gym loving, tequila shooting, late night adventuring glory. I feel like she got left behind 9 months ago. She certainly disappeared in the delivery room. And now I'm coming to terms with the fact that while bits of her remain (I'd kill for some chilled Patron right now), a new version of her is taking over. I felt it when I wanted to rip the phlebotomist's head off the other day when she was taking forever to do a simple jaundice test and making my baby cry ( the previous 2 ladies were quick and patient. This lady was annoyed that we came in so close to closing time. Mama bear says grrrrrr.) I feel it every time she wakes up at night and something kicks my butt into gear and after 10 minutes, I don't mind being awake anymore. I notice it when I miss my little girl and she's a couch cushion away in my husband's arms. I'm getting used to this new beast who cries over baby hands and eats ridiculously fast. I like her so far. She's got a little more moxie and a little more strength. I guess this is just transition time. While I was all snuggled up last night with my sweet sleeping babe in my arms and my husband's arms around us, I felt at peace. All of my mourning for my former self disappeared and was replaced with absolute bliss. And while soaking up this beautiful moment, I of course had a song stuck in my head. (I still refuse to believe that my life isn't one big music video.) Some AWE-some 90's throwback country and one of my favorite childhood songs--I was a sap even then:

"And when they carve my stone all they need to write on it
Is once lived a man who got all he ever wanted
Tell me something who could ask for more
Than to be living in a moment you would die for"

Life is definitely changed. But once I get past all the anxiety and overwhelmed-ness a single moment can hold, I remember that this is the most incredible change I've ever been through. It's rough, it's magical, it's beautiful, it's making me cry right now (happy tears). In the last week I fell in love with my husband in a different way that I didn't even know existed. And I am daily falling so insanely in love with this gorgeous, squeaky, fiery little girl of mine. It really is everything I've ever wanted, so suddenly. But as we all know, according to Willy Wonka, that means I will live happily ever after.

And now, to reward you for wading through my sea of emotions, I give you 90's country music video magic. You. Are. Welcome.

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