Friday, December 7, 2012

Gravity is working against me

Oh John Mayer, you have no idea.
Let me tell you a story: Yesterday I tried to get up off the couch.


Oh! Here's another good one: Last night, I tried to roll over in bed.
Gets me every time!
Sure, it sounds simple.
These days, each of those is an Olympic effing event.
I think my stomach muscles and gravity are conspiring against me.
Pre-pregnancy I swore I didn't have abs, but now I look back and think I must've had a friggin washboard. So many little things I did without ever noticing the fact that it took a little thing called abdominal strength. Sitting down, standing up, rolling over--I feel like a dog, the small accomplishments I pat myself on the back for now. Laundry,walking, opening jars, getting out of bed (now apparently an act of ab strength and willpower)--who knew?
I'm usually a stomach sleeper. Just give me a place to lie down and I will be cozy in no time. This whole sleeping on my side thing is really cramping my style. And my neck. I end up having to roll over at least 20 times a night. It goes something like this:
"Again?! Ok, maybe I can wait it out...3, 2,..nah my neck hurts too much, I need to roll over. I can do this. Think strong thoughts. Hips first..(flails legs around a few times until they finally work)...successful. Upper body now...(pushes self up on forearms, catches breath, completes roll)...success. Now to get my breathing and heart rate back to to normal after that strenuous workout."
It used to be so simple!! WTF?
Eric loves watching me try to get off the couch. I think it might have something to do with the fact that it makes me grunt like a powerlifter and I make awesome faces while trying to complete this simple task. Or that I fail several times before I finally stand up because my weight distribution is 18 different kinds of out of whack.
So in conclusion, John Mayer, you may think gravity is working against you, you may think that gravity wants to bring you down. But until you are 8 months pregnant with 18 extra pounds of person strapped to your core where your abdominals should be, you don't know the half of it.
That is all.

Check out this show off. All bending and shit.